I thought you knew me, Facebook.

Like many of you, I’ve been paying closer attention to my Facebook feed since all the hullabaloo about a third-party using our data for political targeting.

Frankly, it’s not the political content worrying me, Facebook. You don’t really know me, do you? That hurts.

Over the years we’ve shared so much. We’ve celebrated birthdays, holidays and friendship anniversaries.  You know when I’m on vacation or a work trip. You’ve connected me to long-lost friends and family.

Together we’ve fought for what’s right. We’ve loved, laughed and cried together. We’ve shared an intimacy unmatched in any other relationships.

And for these reasons I’m perplexed about why you, Facebook, think I need a new slip-resistant surf bikini for pinnacle performance in the water.

I thought we understood each other, Facebook. In my many posts over the last decade have I ever demonstrated a need for nanogrip technology in my swim suits? Have I posted much about swimming at all?

You think I need a swim suit that holds onto me like a cat at bath time. One that stays put when I’m hanging ten off the big island. I’ve never even been to Hawaii.

I will grant you this: I do need performance swimwear. I need something that allows me to swim away from my Labrador’s sharp toenails in the pool without losing my suit in front of my kids’ friends. But a nanogrip suit small enough to leave nothing to the imagination of anyone wondering what I’ve been hiding under my flannels all winter might be an elegant technology solution for a Lands End body.

Let’s talk about bras.

According to you, I need a new one. Not just any old bra. It should be sleek and blend with my body like a very thin, well-trained chameleon willing to dedicate its life to making my boobs appear right-sized and perky. And yet it should be fun and sporty enough to wear as a top to spin class followed by drinks at a trendy happy hour spot.  State-of-the-art wicking technology makes this possible.

Finally, shoes. Oh Facebook, this is where you really confuse me.

No, I don’t wear stilettos that double as martial arts weapons. But let’s talk about flat shoes made from recycled materials and the clunky Queen Elizabeth designer footwear in fun colors. I need arch support, it’s true, but can we please find a happy medium here?

You’re almost there, Facebook. Here is some help.

My bathing suits should leave my thigh gap a mystery, yet show enough skin to collect some Vitamin D and stay on in front of children.

I don’t need a bra so versatile I can take off my top at the office and head straight to exercise, yet I do want something flattering in case paramedics need to restart my heart some day.

I want to fight climate change as much as the next person but preferably in fashionable footwear with sturdy arch support.

Take another shot at your algorithms and crack down on the sharing, Facebook. Prove to me our relationship is real.

Preferably before the next presidential election.

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